Insects

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.
"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a week."
Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."
The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast with no honey or butter.
Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped it.
The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"
{ 11:17 AM, July 25, 2006 } { Link }


10 Saying From Down Under

10) Not enough brains to give 'imself a headache!
9) One foot in the grave and the other on a banana skin.
8) He could talk under wet cement with a mouthful of marbles.
7) Too slow to keep worms in a tin.
6) He had a head on him like a sucked mango.
5) Busier than a bricklayer in Beirut.
4) You got the rough end of the pineapple.
3) Yer so thin you'd have to run around in a the shower to get wet.
2) Better than a slap in the face with a wet fish.
1) He was so mean he wouldn't even let his dog drink from a mirage.
{ 11:17 AM, July 25, 2006 } { Link }


Fuck

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the magical word which, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, "fuck" falls into many Grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was Fucked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), and adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).
It can also be used as an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be ued as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).

As you can see there are very words with the overall versatility of the word fuck. Aside from its sexual connotations, this word can be used to describe many situations:
1. Greetings........."How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud..............."I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation......."Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble............."Now I'm really fucked."
5. Agression........."FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust................"Fuck me."
7. Confusion............." What the fuck....?"
8. Displeasure............"Fucking shit man..."
9. Lost........................"where the fuck are we?"
10. Disbelief.............."UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!"
11. Retaliation............."Up your fucking ass!"
12. Apathy................."Who really gives a fuck?"
13. Suspicion............."Who the fuck are you?"
14. Directions.............."Fuck off."
15. Sex............."I'm gonna fuck your brains out."

It can be maternal........"MOTHERFUCKER!!"
It can be used to tell time......." It's four fucking twenty!"
It can be used as an anatomical description............."He's a fucking asshole."

Lastly, it has been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?" ~Mayor of Hiroshema~
"Thats not a real fucking gun." ~John Lennon~
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" ~Captain of the Titanic~
"Who the fuck is gonna find out?" ~Richard Nixon~
"Heads are gonna fucking roll." ~Anne Boleyn~
"Any fucking idiot could answer that." ~Albert Einstein~
"It does so fucking look like her!" ~Picasso~
"You want what on the fucking celiling?" ~Michaelangelo~
"Fuck the duck." ~Walt Disney~
"Houston... we Have a big fucking problem." ~The crew of Apollo 13~
{ 11:17 AM, July 25, 2006 } { Link }


Simple Simon Said To The Pieman...

Mary had a little lamb;
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.



Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men,
Said, "Fuck him, he's only an egg."



Mary had a little lamb;
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
And turned its wool to nylon.



Georgie Porgy pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.



Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, what does it look like you dumb fuck."

{ 11:17 AM, July 25, 2006 } { Link }


Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

The Question: Why did the chicken cross over the road?

The Answers:
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
AGENT MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place for anyway?"
VOLTAIRE: It was the best of all possible roads.
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will also lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom have we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
{ 11:16 AM, July 25, 2006 } { Link }


Top Ten Ways To Be The Funny Guy In Your Office.

10. Keep telling the same person that they have bad breath even if they don't, and then punch them in the mouth.
9. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. After everyone gives you the sympathy remarks... tell them how you're just kidding and tell them that they're all a bunch of queers.
8. Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard. During the meeting put one finger in the air and make like you are hocking up a big loogie. Spit the custard into a clear glass and hand it to the person next to you and say, "Beat that!".
7. Inform a male coworker that he "wouldn't make a good hooker", then piss in his coffee and tell him he needs a good "ass fucking".
6. Always walk around with a big smile, and keep one hand down the front of your pants.
5. Answer every question asked to you with "fuck if I know!", then call the person a racial slur that doesn't even match their race.
4. Brag about the fact that you own a gun, and keep playing with your nuts. Get them really sweaty and then walk around shaking everyone's hand.
3. Run down the hall with your dick out while urinating all over and yell, "It won't stop! God help me! It won't stop!" Then when it stops, look down and say, "Oh!".
2. Ask to borrow someone's pen, bring it to the bathroom, stick it in your butt and return it and tell the person to smell it. When they tell you that it smells bad say, "Well, it should! I had it in my ass!"
1. Shit on the floor in your office and when someone comes in and sees it tell them it's the fake plastic kind. When they try to pick it up and realize that their hand is full of shit, laugh and point.
{ 11:16 AM, July 25, 2006 } { Link }


New, Unabridged Medical Dictionary

Barium: What you do when the patient dies
Urine: The opposite of "You're out!"
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Ova: Finished; done with
Sperm: To reject, look away from
Dilate: To live a long time
Enema: Opposite of a friend
Node: Was aware of White count: The number of Caucasians
Hernia: Pertaining to a female's knee
Fibrillate: To tell a small lie
D&C: Where Washington is
Bunion: Paul's surname
Rectum: Dang near killed him
Paradox: Two doctors
Coronary: Domesticated Yellow Bird
Constipation: Endangered feces
Penis: Someone who plays the piano
Humerus: To tell us what we want to hear
Intestine: Currently taking an exam
Outpatient: A person who has fainted
Genital: Non-Jew
Sacrum: Holy
Pap Smear: To slander your father
Pelvis: The evil twin of Elvis
Seizure: Roman Emperor
Cat Scan: When the Secret Service looks for Socks.
{ 11:16 AM, July 25, 2006 } { Link }


Some Useful Descriptions Of People You May Know

* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
* A room temperature IQ.
* Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
* A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
* A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
* A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
* Bright as Alaska in December.
* One celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
* During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
* Fell out of the family tree.
* Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
* If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
* If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
* One neuron short of a synapse.
* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
* Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
* Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
* A few clowns short of a circus.
* Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree.
* A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
* He only has one oar in the water.
* A few beers short of a six-pack.
* Dumber than a box of hair.
* A few peas short of a casserole.
* Doesn't have all her Cornflakes in one box.
* One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
* One taco short of a combination plate.
* A few feathers short of a whole duck.
* All foam, no beer.
* The cheese slid off her cracker.
* Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
* Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
* He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
* An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
* As smart as bait.
* Chimney's clogged.
* Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
* Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
* Forgot to pay her brain bill.
* Her sewing machine's out of thread.
* His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
* His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
* If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
* Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
* No grain in the silo.
* Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
* Receiver is off the hook.
* Several nuts short of a full pouch.
* Skylight leaks a little.
* Slinky's kinked.
* Surfing in Nebraska.
* Too much yardage between the goal posts.
* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
* The lights are on, but nobody's home.
* 24 cents short of a quarter.
{ 11:15 AM, July 25, 2006 } { Link }


Wife Cuts The Grass

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.
A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"
To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
{ 11:15 AM, July 25, 2006 } { Link }


Things women never say but dammit they should ....

1. Honey.. You sitdown and watch the game, I'll wash the car.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10 Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11.Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12.I'll be out painting the house.
13.I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14.Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again,come see!
15.I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
16.No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17.Your mother is way better than mine.
18.Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19.I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ' sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20.Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a rack of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
21.Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22.Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23.You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24.Damn, ...if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
25.I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you.
{ 11:15 AM, July 25, 2006 } { Link }



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